Charles
by DoctorAwesome1
Summary: It’s your normal day at the 4077th, but when Hawkeye goes for a walk, he finds something out in the grass... a little too close to the minefield. What on Earth could he possibly find that captures the attention of everyone in the gang?
1. Who, me?

Charles glared over at Hawkeye, "I hope you don't turn into Corporal O'Riley," he said with a disapproving tone, "our unit does not need the benefit of having a petting zoo again."

"Oh come on Charles, just 'til he's better," Hawkeye replied.

"Pierce, your heart is in the right place, but let me tell you if that bird gets in my space, he won't be staying at our place," Charles added.

Hawkeye sighed and picked the bird up in his hands, "Don't mind him, he gets cranky when anyone so much as _breathes _near him," Hawkeye said, looking over to Charles.

Charles stood up from his chair and walked over to Hawkeye's cot. He looked down at the bird with both worry and disgust written on his face. "Where did you find the disease-ridden thing anyway?"

"He is not disease-ridden! ...I don't think... Anyway, I found him hobbling around in the grass, he couldn't have been more than a few feet away from the mine field. So I picked him up, he didn't try and run away or nothin!"

"Hmm, I see," Charles said, kneeling down to get a closer look at the bird. It's wing was definitely messed up, as Hawkeye had said when he first brought the bird in, and there was discharge around the eyes.

"I'm no veterinarian, Pierce, but you're right, it definitely has a broken wing, but I also noticed it's eyes seem-"

"It it it. We can't keep calling it... _an_ _it_."

"Pierce, no."

"I think I'll call him..."

"Pierce, no! You can't name it! If you name it you'll get attached to it, and you get attached to it you'll want to keep it, and if you keep it, well it's Radar's petting zoo all over again! And let me tell you, Pierce, if you do so much as-"

"Charles!"

"...what?!"

"No! Not you. I'm calling him Charles!"

Charles sighed, "Where on Earth do you intend on keeping the thing! I mean you can't just let that bird prance about our tent!"

"Charles."

"No- no! I absolutely refuse to refer to that bird as... well, me!"

"Fine, I'll go and find a box or something to put him in," Hawkeye said, handing the bird off to Charles. "You hold onto him until I get back, m'kay?"

Charles looked down at the bird Hawkeye placed in his hands, "Pierce, do not leave me with this... disgusting little- Pierce?"

But when Charles looked back up, Hawkeye was already halfway out the door, and Charles was stuck with... well, _Charles._


	2. Lady Bird

"No! Stop chewing on that you imbecile!" Charles glared at the little bird pecking at the pages of his book. For being injured, the little creature seemed pretty content sitting on Charles' desk, adding little holes to the pages of his birdwatcher's guide.

With a sigh Charles leaned back in his chair, "How long could it possibly take that lunatic to find a box? It's not that difficult!"

With the raise of his voice, the bird stopped its chewing and looked up at the Major.

"Thank you! Now please don't think about doing anymore chewing!" He said, gently scooting the bird a few inches away from his book.

He continued to flip through the pages as the bird found something else to occupy himself with. Someone's notebook was about to have a newly decorated cover; a lovely pattern of scratches from the little bird's beak.

"Aha! I've found it!" Charles exclaimed.

The startled bird once again stopped and looked up to Charles, who scooped him up and sat him on top of the book.

"Yes, I do believe that's you," he said, comparing the bird to the illustration. "Agh, look at me! I'm talking to a bird!"

But he was right, they did match. He double checked and chuckled to himself, "And Honoria always thought _she_ was the better bird watcher! Ha!"

"What about bird watching?"

Charles turned in his chair to see his two bunk mates strolling in. Hawkeye was holding a box filled with what looked like gauze and a splint.

The two walked up beside Charles and looked down at the little bird sitting on the book, now chewing at the corner of the page.

"I hate to break it to you Charles, but I don't think you're gonna be able to teach that bird how to read," BJ joked.

"Ha ha. Well it took Pierce long enough to get a box."

Hawkeye huffed, "Well I had to find one that Charles would like."

"Why would Charles care what kind of box you got for the bird?"

Hawkeye glanced over at BJ, "No, not him, I mean Charles, the bird."

BJ raised an eyebrow, "You named the bird _Charles?_"

"Uh... yup."

"Don't you think that could get a little confusing?"

"Or annoying," Charles groaned.

"Hmm, you're right, we should rename Charles."

Charles sighed in relief. "Thank you!"

"No, not the bird, I meant you. How does Chuckles sound?"

Charles glared at Hawkeye, "You will do no such thing! Besides, there's a solution to this name problem, look here," he said pointing to the pages his book was open to.

Both Hawkeye and BJ leaned in to get a look at the pictures. "Now this is an illustration of a type of small finch; the bramblimg."

BJ looked at the bird and at one of the pictures. "Uhh, Hawk... I think Charles is..."

Charles scooped the bird up in his hands, "A female. Precisely. Looking at these two pictures I can definitely say this bird here is a female brambling."

"Guess we'll have to call her Charline," BJ remarked.

"If you must name the thing, Pierce-"

"Listen, I found her, I get to name her. We're calling her Charles."

Charles stood up with the bird still in his hands, "You're simply doing this to spite me!"

Hawkeye smirked, "Of course."

BJ erupted in a fit of laughter as he walked over to sit down on his cot. "I must say, Hawk, if you ever get married, let your wife name the kids."

Charles sighed as he looked at the box. "Pierce, the box..."

"Oh yeah!" Hawkeye quickly emptied the medical supplies onto the desk and held the box. "Here, put Charles in th-"

"No, Pierce! I mean the box- didn't you get anything to put in it for her?! Any grass, sticks, perhaps _food?_"

"Uhh... I didn't think to get any of that."

"Listen, why don't you go fill up the box before it gets dark out, huh? I'll stay here and put her wing in a splint."

Hawkeye nodded and turned to BJ. "Care to help out?"

"Aww heck, why not. Anything for Charles," BJ said, standing up.

Charles smiled, "Well, thank you, Hunnicut."

BJ chuckled, "Actually, I was talking about-"

With a frown Charles stopped him, "Let me guess; you meant the bird, not me."

"Took the words right outta my mouth, Chuckles!"

Hawkeye looked over to Charles before leaving for the door, "Hey, what do these... uhh... bramblings eat anyway?"

Charles looked down at his book and scanned over the page. "Says here they mostly eat insects, but will also eat berries and seeds."

Hawkeye nodded, "Great, all we have to do is catch a few bugs and pick a few berries," he opened to door and looked at BJ, "can't be that hard, right Beej?"


	3. Hopeless Grass-Hopping

"Ugh!" Hawkeye stood up and smacked the dirt off his hands.

"Did you catch it?"

"No, Beej, I obviously didn't," he said, scanning over the ground, hoping the grasshopper didn't get to far.

"This is hopeless, Hawk. We've been at this for the past hour and we've only managed to catch five critters," BJ took the top off the box and looked inside, "Uh oh."

Hawkeye turned to look at his friend, "Uh oh? What is that supposed to mean?"

"I think there's a small hole in the side of this box..."

Hawkeye took a look inside the box as well and sighed, "They all escaped."

"What are we gonna do now?"

"Well, it'll take forever to catch enough grasshoppers for Charles to eat, and none of the bushes around camp have any sort of berries on them," Hawkeye thought for a moment, trying to remember what the Major had said belonged to the little bird's diet.

"Wait, what about seeds?"

Hawkeye took the box from BJ and gave him a nod, "Go ask Klinger; see if he knows where we can get any seeds, or some kind of bird feed. I'll go back to the swamp and see if Charles was able to fix Charles' wing."


	4. Soft Spot

"Ah, there we go," Charles said, wrapping up the wing. "Does that feel any better?"

The little bird simply looked up at the Bostonian, obviously not understanding a single thing he said.

Charles kept an eye on her as she began to hobble about his desk. Thankfully, wrapping up the wing in a splint wasn't to difficult. The bird seemed to understand that Charles was merely trying to help, and kept still the whole time.

Of course now wandering the desk, the bird once again discovered the birdwatcher's book and the many pages that could be chewed up.

"Don't even think about it," Charles said, scooping the bird up in his hands. Just as he was about to set her down on his cot (where he hoped she could do the least damage), Hawkeye walked back in.

"Ya know, being a scavenger is hard work," he said defeatedly.

"No luck with food?"

"None at all. But I did fill the box up with grass and a few twigs."

"Where's Hunnicutt?"

"Still trying to find something for Charles to eat."

"I see." Charles walked over to Hawkeye and gently placed the bird down in its new home.

Hawkeye grinned and let out a chuckle.

"What is it?"

"The bird. You really care about this bird, don't you?"

Charles sighed and wiped his hands on his fatigues as if to rid himself of the bird's filth. "Pierce, I'm simply doing this because you roped me into this feathery mess!"

"No, no, no! You care about her!" Hawkeye scooped the bird back out of the box and held her in front of Charles. "Look Charles in the eyes and tell her you don't care about her!"

Charles leveled himself with the bird and looked straight into her beady black eyes. "I don't care about you."

Hawkeye let out a dramatic gasp and held the little bird close to his chest. "She has feelings you know!" He looked down at Charles and gave her a pat on the head, "he didn't mean it."

"You sound just like Corporal O'Reilly."

"Come on, just admit it. I promise not to tell anyone you're anything but rotten!"

Charles glanced at his fellow surgeon with a smirk. "Fine. I'm concerned about the filthy little thing's state of health, and- goodness... I suppose I am fond of your disease-ridden bird."

"Ahhhha! I knew somewhere in that cold major there was a soft heart!"

"It's still vile and wretched, much like you," Charles said with a smile that seemed both condescending, yet sincere.


	5. Regulation Seed

Klinger was shuffling through the last few papers of the day when none other than Captain Hunnicutt came strolling in.

"Hey, Captain."

"Howdy, Klinger," he said, walking up to the Corporal's desk, "you wouldn't happen to know where I could find some bird seed, would you?"

"Bird seed? Are you going on a diet?"

BJ let out a chuckle, "No, no. Hawkeye found a bird whose wing is all messed up. We need some food for her."

"Captain, this is a hospital, not an aviary. We've got bandages in storage; not bags of bird seed."

"Well, can't you find some? I mean, your specialty is basically finding random things and bartering with the brass."

Klinger shook his head with hesitation, "I don't know sir..."

"Klinger," BJ said with sincerity, "who was it that managed to get us that ham for New Years?"

"Me."

"And who was it that traded the surplus regulation briefs to get Nurse Kellye a birthday cake?"

"Me," Klinger said with pride.

BJ walked up closer to the company clerk and gave him a pat on the back. "Make us proud; get that bird seed."

Klinger nodded, "Will do, sir!"


End file.
